


My *** is up! Look at it! It couldn't be more up!

by TurboUrbo



Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen Work, In Character, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:08:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27919507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TurboUrbo/pseuds/TurboUrbo
Summary: Teen Allison covers for Klaus. Chaos ensues. Based on Allison's ability in the comics to alter reality by telling a lie, minus the "I heard a rumor" framing. Featuring Luther, Diego, Allison, Vanya, some Ben, and a double-helping of Klaus.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Kudos: 13





	My *** is up! Look at it! It couldn't be more up!

In the middle of the night the alarm went off. Luther, Diego, and Allison converged at the stairs, wearing their uniforms and masks. “Where’s Séance?” Luther asked, as they descended en masse. “Not coming,” Diego muttered. “What?” Allison said. “Not coming!” Diego said.

Hargreeves waited at the bottom of the stairs. He looked up from his stopwatch as the children assembled. “This is unacceptable,” he said. “Number Three, your face is filthy. You were told to wash that off hours ago. And where’s Number Four?”

Diego opened his mouth. Allison interrupted, “He’s coming.” She glanced at Diego. Diego glared back.

Hurried footsteps preceded the appearance of Klaus. He joined the children at the bottom of the stairs, making eyebrows at Hargreeves. “Where’s the fire?” he asked.

“No fires tonight, Number Four,” Hargreeves replied. The alarm stopped. The children relaxed. Hargreeves looked them over once more. “Training resumes at 0500 hours.”

“What about breakfast?” Diego asked.

“What about it?” Hargreeves mocked.

“I mean,” Diego said, “when do we eat?”

“When you cease to disappoint me, Number Two, you may eat.” Hargreeves returned the stopwatch to his vest. He patted the pocket. “Back to bed, children,” he said. “I can’t entertain you all night. You’re dismissed.” With that he left them, heading across the hall towards the garage. 

Luther lowered his head. Allison and Klaus removed their masks. “Hey, bro,” Klaus said, elbowing Diego. “Party’s over.”

Diego turned and planted both hands on Klaus’ chest, shoving Klaus off his feet onto the floor. “Hey! Hey!” Luther said, stepping between Diego and Klaus. “You think that’s what Dad wants?” he demanded. “Us beating ourselves to a pulp?”

“I don’t care what Dad wants!” Diego said. He hawked and spat at Luther’s feet, to Luther’s horror, then ran upstairs.

“Let him go, Space,” Allison said. “He’s not worth it.”

“Rip his face off!” Klaus roared.

Luther’s injured pride accumulated. When he could contain it no longer, he lunged for the staircase. “Hey! Hey, asshole!” he hollered. “I’m not done with you yet!”

Klaus giggled. Allison sighed. She offered her brother a hand and pulled him to his feet. He gripped her arm and stepped in. The look on his face was briefly and genuinely concerned. “Was I late or something?” he asked.

“Or something,” Allison said. She looked up the stairs. “C’mon,” she said. “Before someone gets killed.” Klaus grinned. They linked arms and caught up to Luther and Diego. “Oh my god, what now?” Allison said.

Vanya stood in the middle of the hallway, blocking Diego’s access to their bedrooms. Unlike her siblings, Vanya still wore her pajamas. Her face was white, her eyes wide and fearful.

A knife flashed in Diego’s hand. His voice was low. “Out of the way, Vanya. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Luther laughed. “But you’ll do it anyway. That’s why I’m Number One and you’re Number Two. No discipline. No control.”

Diego seethed for a moment, then turned and flung the knife down the hallway. It missed Luther and Allison. Klaus yelped and dropped to the floor. The knife embedded itself in the wall behind him.

“Diego!” Allison shrieked, her heart racing. 

Diego aimed a second knife at Klaus. Luther grabbed Diego’s wrist. “I’m two seconds from putting your face through the wall,” Luther warned.

“This is Klaus’ fault,” Diego growled. “I couldn’t wake his ass up. Now none of us gets to eat.” 

“My ass is up!” Klaus argued. “Look at it! It couldn’t be more up!” He wiggled his hips in the air.

“He’s right, Klaus,” Allison said. “You weren’t with us. Dad asked where you were.”

“I’m not gonna kill him,” Diego told Luther. “I’m just gonna cut his hair. In his sleep. You can let go.”

Luther sighed. He could feel Diego’s pulse in his wrist. The worst of it was over. He let go of Diego. Diego stepped back and sheathed his knife.

“I’ll get Klaus from now on,” Luther decided. “I’ll drag him down the stairs if I have to. It’s obviously too much to ask Diego.” 

“You didn’t ask shit!” Diego said, wagging a finger at Luther.

“Get that out of my face or I’ll break it,” Luther said.

“Um, guys?” Vanya said. Diego jumped, having forgotten she was there. Luther, Allison, and Klaus studied their sister. A cold sweat plastered Vanya’s hair to her forehead and neck. Her fists trembled at her sides.

“Vanya,” Allison said. “What’s wrong?”

“There’s something in Klaus’ room,” Vanya said. Klaus frowned and scratched the side of his head. Vanya met his gaze and continued, “I don’t know what it is, or if it’s something you did, but it’s kind of freaking me out.”

“What do you mean?” Klaus asked. “What’s in my room?”

“I said I don’t know,” Vanya said, shaking her head. “Just fix it. Please.” She opened her hands, a gesture of helplessness. Tears rolled down her cheeks.

Luther and Allison exchanged glances. They both wondered if Vanya was seeing ghosts like their brother. Klaus got up and jogged to Vanya. “There was no one in my room when I left. But I’ll see what I can do,” he said.

“Maybe it’s nothing,” Vanya said. She didn’t sound very sure.

Diego clamped a hand on Klaus’ shoulder. “Let’s go, bro,” he said. “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.”

“We’ll all go,” Luther said. “We got your back, Number Four.”

Klaus closed his eyes and sighed. Whatever Vanya was talking about, he wanted nothing to do with it. Diego cracked his knuckles. Allison pulled back her hair. They were coming. They were all coming.

Klaus led the way. They passed Ben’s and Five’s rooms. Vanya covered her mouth with both hands, her shoulders shaking. Luther rubbed her back as they walked.

They stopped at Klaus’ door. Klaus opened the door and turned on the light. Despite the mess, he saw what was wrong. Sprawled on top of the bed, wearing only underwear and socks, was a body he identified as his own. He blinked rapidly, willing the doppelganger to disappear.

“Is everyone else seeing this?” Luther asked.

“Another Klaus? Yeah. Like one wasn’t enough,” Diego said.


End file.
